I believe in making the world safe for our children,
but not our children's children,
because I don't think children should be having sex
--Jack Handey Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live - NBC)
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer,
they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and
let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'
--Jack Handey
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--Jack Handey
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant,
and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
--Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
--Deep Thoughts Jack Handy
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something
when you walk around. That way, if anybody says,
"Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying
a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very
beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava,
let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
--Deep Thoughts Jack Handy
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music,
no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than
some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years,
because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at
that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words
"mank"and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and
that's why so is mankind.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else
flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
--Deep Thoughts Jack Handy
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy.
Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there,
in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
--Deep Thoughts Jack Handy
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window?
The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out.
Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is
you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse,
I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy
was reading a magazine.
--Deep Thoughts Jack Handy
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is,
don't run with wooden stakes.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that,
I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name
for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the
nickname "Fly Head. "Normally you would think that "Fly Head"
would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features,
as if flying through the air. But think again.
Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"?
I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
--Deep Thoughts Jack Handy
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a
fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head.
Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck
and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden,
you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla.
Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Jack Handy Deep Thoughts
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,
I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of
honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
--Deep Thoughts Jack Handy
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are
losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and
nobody got scared.
--Deep Thoughts Jack Handy
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